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A Guide to the New Normals

May 4, 2020

 

Experts believe we will reach a new kind of normality. Or is it “normalcy”? One thing is sure: normalness, and the terminology to describe it, may never be the same. Here is a glossary to help sort things out in the days ahead:

 

Normal

This is just regular stuff, like, you put a can in the kitchen cabinet, and then later, you open the cabinet door, and the can is right where you put it.

 

Abnormal

You come back to the cabinet, open the door, and you do a double-take. That’s a different kind of soup than you remembered. What the?

 

New Normal

Wow, this soup example is starting to wear thin already. But imagine that the can of soup is exactly where you left it, but now you can’t eat that soup anymore! It’s off limits! No soup for you.

 

New Abnormal

A cascade of soup cans falls on your head.

 

Paranormal

You feel a ghostly presence in the kitchen. Is it trying to get the soup?

 

New Paranormal

It’s hard to say how long it will last, but the evil spirits are acting pretty nice.

 

Mis-Normal

Try to keep up, it’s getting complicated. Here’s a situation that seems completely normal for one person, but totally strange for the other guy. It happens more frequently than you think and is always awkward.

 

Dis-Normal

This is when you experience normalness and abnormalness at the same time. You just have to get used to it.

 

Bi-Normal

Two people simultaneously experience something perfectly normal.

 

Pseudo-normal

You walk into the room, and it looks totally normal, but it’s all an act. Just a bunch of weirdos hanging out, eating soup.

 

Anti-Normal

Believe it or not, there are people out there who are working actively to undermine things that are normal. This is their story.

 

Meta Normal

That’s just a painting of a soup can, intended to make a statement about modern consumerism. You’re getting pretty hungry, and this artist’s rendering of food isn’t helping.

 

New Meta Normal

Hi, welcome to our new live video stream, “The Normal Show,” where you can watch us eat soup ironically.

 

Post-Normal

In a world turned upside down, society survives on its remaining supply of canned soup. Deadly conflict rages over the few can openers available.

 

Semi-Normal

Something tastes a little off about this soup. But, hey, at least it’s food.

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